When a bold family experiment and new tradition take root
To begin a voyage knowing we will not see the end is a leap of gigantic proportion.
Let me tell you about a family journey I am hopeful will continue beyond my death.
A new tradition.
A leap.
Zoom Call on the Day after Thanksgiving
It’s the day after Thanksgiving. Our traditional dinner and extended family gathering (three toddlers!) the day before came off with only minor mishaps. The 14.4 pound turkey did get roasted, but I burned the onions and my husband accidentally used up all the turkey broth meant for gravy when he made the stuffing.
No matter. In fact, we all know the bigger the screw-up, the better the story! (I make a mental note to engineer better snags next year.)
But today—by contrast—I’m a little on edge. I’d really like a new family tradition to go well, but it feels a bit like the blind leading the blind, even though I started it.
Right now my 5-year-old grandson is perched on a windowsill. I can only see his legs dangling in between my son and daughter-in-law who are sipping coffee while waiting for our Zoom call to begin. In the next Zoom window, my daughter and son-in-law sit side-by-side on a sofa talking in low tones. Their Energizer Bunny 2-year-old is in the next room tucked in for a nap.
I take a deep breath. Just getting our time-strapped kids all together across time zones, sandwiched between crammed-to-the-gills schedules, is a win.
My husband appears on screen from his office. I’m sitting ten yards away at the kitchen island in my own Zoom window. We test. There’s a little audio feedback so I ask my husband to mute his mic.
How It Began
The idea for this unique family experiment took shape when I was executor to my mom’s affairs three years ago. Dad had passed away some fifteen years prior. I was going through their papers when I found a statement they wrote to my three siblings and me:
“In distributing [savings]. . .do so in such a manner as will encourage thrift, industryand self-reliance to the maximum extent practicable. . .and discourageextravagance or indolence. . .“
Instantly, these words popped my parents’ faces into thought. The phrase was so Mom-and-Dad-like. Yet, it’s not like they ever named these qualities, but rather, they lived them, day in and day out, over their lifetimes.
It made me wonder: Should my husband and I try to ensure our values are being passed forward? And exactly which qualities should they be? Could I pinpoint them? Do we need to agree on them? And not just looking back to my mom and dad’s examples, but what legacy did we inherit from grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great grandparents, etc. that define our family’s differentness?
What do we want to keep? What do we want to let go of? And how do we include our daughter-in-law and son-in-law’s family histories to include and enrich our definition of family legacy?
This felt important. Rebellious! For doesn’t present society emphasize the immediate, get-rich-quick, every-man-for-himself, zero-sum game, quick win, magic pill, silver bullet, overnight success, wonder child, short cut, fast track, insane, prodigy, genius, ridiculous, ludicrous, breathless. . . no me, I’m breathless.
That’s no legacy.
So, ideas about purpose and legacy churned, challenging me to think beyond my immediate lifetime to an unfathomable future when I won’t be here and my descendants won’t know me (good thing I’ve written a book!) But still, I needed a plan, something intentional and a husband and kids (and one grandchild) willing to give an experiment a go.
Sure, I’m starting this thing, but I also wanted to see if we could establish a tradition that could be independent of me. An idea informed by the family group—each member has an equal voice—that combines identifying family values with giving to others.
So, after studying up*, I drafted some ideas. Last year we tried out them out, modified them, and then I wrote up a framework. This year is Round Two.
The True Test.
Here goes.
The Meeting
Our get-together agenda contains six parts.
Set the timeframe for family legacy. I begin by quoting how Iroquois elders began each tribal council meeting: “Let us begin our work here today with the hope that decisions we make will be honored by our tribal members seven generations from today.” Roughly 140 years in the future. My great-great-great-great-great grandchildren. Seem a little wacky? Yes, it’s a mind bender. Instantly, our gathering is not just about each other, but custodial.
Share stories. Everyone is invited to share family history stories that are personally meaningful. Among the sharing: The bravery of a grandfather who emigrated from Italy to start a new life in Ecuador. Ditto Cuban parents who escaped Castro’s revolution by immigrating to NYC. Generations of Missouri farmers who toiled and cared for the land. Gradually, through story, our family values footprint emerges: Value for education; bravery; a strong work ethic; land stewardship; entrepreneurship; family connectedness.
Propose charities. Next, I’d asked each member to bring the name of a charity to recommend our group give to in this holiday season. (The source of our gift-giving is a percentage of the savings my mom gifted me on her passing.) Each individual proposes a philanthropy: A bulldog foster agency, a health organization dedicated to children’s asthma relief, a children’s services group and others. Our grandson—who at 5-years-old is a new full-fledged member—initially said, “Ninja’s?” but then got a nudge to remember the local food pantry his parents give to - lol!
Vote. Each individual has three votes to select which of the proposed groups should receive a contribution.
Determine recipients. I tally the votes as they come in. Three entities receive the most votes and will receive a check before year-end:
Fighting Hit and Run Driving - established to raise awareness, educate, and provide resources to families impacted by hit-and-run fatalities. Pedestrian safety is critical for all neighborhoods, but specifically under-served neighborhoods are at risk without crosswalks, broken traffic signals and lack of well lit neighborhoods.
Earthjustice. Earthjustice is the premier nonprofit public interest environmental law organization. It wields the power of law and the strength of partnership to protect people’s health, to preserve magnificent places and wildlife, to advance clean energy, and to combat climate change.
High Country Humane Society Earlier this year, I’m embarrassed to say that under my husband and my watch, the grandkids’ dog freaked out during a thunderstorm and escaped! We spent hours looking for Kota and this Humane Society came to the rescue. It seeks to provide high-caliber animal shelter services and to elevate animal care in northern Arizona.
You can see the mix. Local and national. Animals and people and social justice. Last year’s picks were similarly varied. 06
Will This Family Legacy Plan Stick?
I don’t know if this plan will continue for 140 years. In the rules there’s no “dead hand,” or requirement from beyond the grave that it be continued in perpetuity.
That’s intentional because for it to be meaningful it will need to be dynamic and real and creative and brave to meet the needs and wants of their lives.
This is a fight against inertia.
For if the status quo is becoming one where language is unkind, ethics breaches are normalized, leaders set negative examples, and marginalized members of my community are attacked, then that is an assault on my world, our future, and the one I want for my kids, grandkids and all those grands in the future.
And I can take a stand.
You, too.
Or better yet, picture me poised in the starting blocks of my parents’ footprints.
Not in inertia though.
Step back, friends.
I’m leaping,
Comments